September 30, 2009
"I suppose that it depends on also knowing which people you meet in the digital world can become real life friends. If the knee jerk reaction is "none of them" then I don't see the point of going for a digital fix since you'll know you'll never meet this person in real life and form a non-digital friendship.
I've made many friends online that I have become real life friends with, I moved to a different state and have a new and more rewarding life because of bridging the gap. I've been to the UK and have had people from there and from Spain and Canada and across the US come visit me and I feel very lucky because of it.
Besides, there have been real life friends that can let you down just as easily as a digital one - if you let them."
My response was:
You know, when I hit send, I cringed. I knew I was leaving something out..
My best friend lives 3,000 some miles away from me. We met online, role playing channel. She's come here with her daughter, and I went down there to her home.
I consider her my best friend, someone I can call to cry on her shoulder and she knows she can do the same with me. I was there when she had a life problem, she's been there when I needed someone to tell me I can do it, or smacked me upside the head to straighten me out. I love her dearly.
So, it's not that I'm saying you can't trust people online or you can't make friends...it's more along the lines of just because they list you as a "friend" you shouldn't expect that you're now a girlfriend, and if they have a gathering of friends and you never received the golden ticket to the event, you shouldn't feel as though they betrayed you, or that you're worthless.
It's harder for people with depression and social anxiety, ESPECIALLY the social anxiety aspect because we're already tiptoeing that fine line of being uneasy with meeting people, having friends. The whole lack of self esteem and self confidence blows chunks, because we already thing we're less than dirt. Having it "shoved in our faces" is gut wrenching.
Again, I'm not blaming anyone. Really, the post originally was to share my recent experiences with a few of the social mediums I belonged to.
As someone with social anxiety, they became a crutch for me and I have to remind myself I can't depend on Twitter, or any other social website, for my "fix". While, it does in a way help with my social anxiety by not keeping me so isolated, and I do make new "friends", these friendships are not "real".
Meaning, I can't depend on these "friends" to be friends. Yes, they show concern, they make supportive or sympathetic noises at the appropriate moments, but these are not "real" people. These are names and faces through a digital screen. Nothing will, nor should, replace having a friend or friends that are flesh and blood. Nothing should ever replace the tangible.
It was getting to the point where I was feeling ignored. When I posted something and those I counted on to be a friend DIDN'T comment back, it hurt. When it continued, I began to second guess myself. Did I maybe say something wrong? Did I not say something when I should have? Did I zig when I should have zagged? Or maybe it was because I'm not the same social class as they are. Maybe my lack of brain/beauty/money/time...or maybe because I'm married and have a child is what makes them withdraw from me?
When it comes down to losing sleep and worrying, unable to eat...breaking out into tears, because I lost "friends" somewhere, then something's wrong.
It had become a crutch, a distraction, and it had to stop.
Before people get offended and drop me from their lists, I want to make something quite clear. None of this is a personal attack at anyone. Well, except at myself, really.
Just because I list you as a friend and you return the favor, it doesn't mean we're best buds and I have to remember that. You include me in your life through a digital medium. You are not inviting me into your home, you're not inviting me to drop by, swim in your pool, have coffee, or have dinner. I shouldn't feel slighted if there's no invite to that slumber party/girls' night out/chick flick/gossip fest.
We share things in common and we share our experiences through a screen and a keyboard. No where in this common agreement did you say "Call me and we'll do lunch", or "I'll be there for you", or "If you need a kidney"...
It's a hard lesson to learn, and an eye opener. It's terrifying for those of us who suffer from depression and social anxiety. Often times, these go hand in hand with lack of self confidence and self esteem, and this lesson tears at what little we do have, shredding us until we're so vulnerable and sensitive that we have to retreat into ourselves in order to regroup. Often times we don't have the means, or support in which to seek help. We have to build those walls back up, one brick at a time, alone.
On the other hand, I understand people have to protect themselves. I don't blame people who keep themselves back, offering only a digital connection. Hell, I have "friends" who're famous. Successful authors, published, rising stars. I understand they can't be there as a friend, or offer any support or advice in any way. We have to protect ourselves in whatever way we can.
Scary, isn't it, that the internet is suppose to open the world, make the world a smaller place, and yet we have to isolate ourselves, protect ourselves even more.
September 28, 2009
Also trying to recuperate from the ick. Doesn't help I'm up late writing and working. Will have to grab a nap later while I have the house to myself. Spike's off to his nursing class and Pixie-Brat off to school soon. Blessed silence!
Still have the cough and sniffles, congestion, but I'm not dying, which I'm glad to report. The ick mixed with depression doesn't help either.
Renewed my determination and drive in becoming published. Will NOT allow my failings, my Depression to defeat me before I've begun to fight.
Shite happens in life. If I have to wade through the manure, struggle through the bramble, & cry tears of blood to see myself published, so be it. I am prepared. I'm prepared to do it alone if I have to, but I'm going to be published before I die.
September 26, 2009
Yeah, I'm getting that feeling.
I don't know anymore. It's getting to the point where I'm on the edge of closing myself off because I don't understand people anymore. I don't know what people want from me. Maybe I'm not the friend type. Maybe because I don't have the money to go out or travel or do things they can do.
Sad, isn't it?
Social anxiety sucks.
September 24, 2009
I just finished my first draft of a synopsis for "Moonlight and Magick". Alas, it's four pages double spaced, so I need to figure out how to trim it down to two pages.
I thought I did so well...
And I'll have to find someone who knows about writing synopses to look it over. Maybe my crit group will have someone...*crosses fingers*
September 21, 2009
Chapter three of "Dead of Night" was posted at Literotica. Only one person commented on it. Twice. LOL. Still finishing up chapter six.
Spike started his nursing class today. He has two weeks to pass his compass algebra test though. *sigh*
Coming down with the sniffles. Depression dragging me down this past couple of weeks. Been medicating myself with Amanda Quick books. =)
Reading Pet Peeve #1: Books/stories about vampires and werewolves becoming lovers and/or having cross bred children.
I read the Twilight series, right up to book four where Bella becomes pregnant and the book hit the wall and then the floor with not so satisfying thuds. The story and plot became too stupid to be believed.
Underworld...great action, plot was ok...until Scott becomes this vampire werewolf hybrid.
*Beats head into wall*
ETA: You can find "Dead of Night" posted on Literotica at http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=568807&page=submissions
Chapters 1-3 are up for reading.
September 19, 2009
With all the stress going on with him laid off from work and trying to get into a nursing program, not being able to pass the algebra part of the compass test (I want to know WHY algebra is required to get into the program, or to get into college. Unless you're going to teach the cursed thing, or work in a field where it's necessary, I think it's one big scam in order to make you pay for extra classes. Why should I be required to pass algebra on the compass test if I want to become a secretary? Spike hasn't had to touch it for 23 years and now he has to pass it in order to get into the nursing program.)
So off to the library to get books to study algebra. We also got to spend some quality time with one another. Much physical affection, which was very much needed as well.
So, "Dead of Night" is still in chapter six. I have about 1000 more words to finish the chapter, a couple more plot points to deal with before I can move on.
I am noticing, however, that while the writing is slower, there's a better flow to the words and much less mistakes being made in writing them. So that's good.
Literotica rejected chapter three twice. Once because I gave a link in the chapter's notes to my readers. The second because, while I removed the link, I mentioned visiting my blog. It's bullshit, but I guess it's not allowed to mention any other site other than Literotica on Literotica. *Rolls eyes* So, chapter three has been submitted yet AGAIN and is pending approval.
September 11, 2009
I just finished chapter five. Have not really gone over it to correct passive sentences and whatnot, but it can wait a bit.
The introduction of three new characters sort of took me aback. Originally supporting characters, they were meant for information sharing and idea bouncing, but they've seemed to have moved up from supporting cast to secondaries. One, especially.
He's already started to make himself quite known and is demanding more "screen" time. I have a feeling this will be quieted only with the promise of a second book with him as the main character. He's an arrogant bastard, but I already have an idea of who just might be able to tame him. *grin*
Whiteboard has been erased and chapter six's notes are up.
Note to self: use euphemisms or code on the whiteboard as 11 year old daughter does read it.
Post Script to self: This is why you need a room of your own to be just your office. Win Lotto for this.
Post Post Script to self: Get published.
Nothing back from the Beta Readers. Not sure if this is a good thing.
Ankle is doing better. I can walk without a major limp. If I step on it a certain way or put too much pressure on it, my foot hurts, but otherwise it's doing much better than my "omigodsI'mgonnadie" limping I did yesterday. Course, it didn't help that I walked two, three blocks from the parking spot to Bates Technical College with Spike either. Or maybe it did help as my foot is better today. Hmmm.
My elbow is aching though. Deep bone bruise, I'm pretty sure. I thought I only skinned my elbow on the wall, but I may have in fact actually smacked my elbow against the wall and then slid down and skinned it. Swollen.
September 10, 2009
I could have SWORN there were a few more steps on those stairs, but when I put my right foot down, I sure as hell didn't FEEL any stairs beneath my foot. Tumbled down three (missing?) steps, hit the concrete wall with my arm, skinned my elbow, twisted my right ankle inwards and toward me when I landed.
Luckily, there was no snapping, no crunching noises, and I can limp on it, although it's sprained. Unfortunately, it was my right leg so the tweaking of ankle tendons and muscles shot up into my bad knee and it's making complaints.
Still, no broken bones which is good because we cannot afford an ER visit for Xrays with Spike out of work. Damn stairs, damn haunted house, and damn my stupidity.
So, my writing the past couple of days has been minimal. Trying to keep my foot up and resting. We live in a house that has two sets of stairs. The main floor to the basement and main floor to the bedrooms upstairs. Oh, did I mention our house is haunted too? Yep.
Got feedback for my newest story posting on Literotica. From a published author even. It was because of this author that I started to post my writing, as crappy as it was.
"Very good start but that should definitely not surprise me. Your work is always top notch. Keep it up!"
This published author helped to encourage me to post my work and improve my writing. I was her fan of hers and now she's a fan of mine. Dragging myself out of bed when I need to sleep, when I'm in pain, when my keyboard is broken, when I'm sick, when there's no words. I'm pushing, pushing to write, pushing to learn, pushing to better myself in some way with the ultimate goal of getting published.
And I keep writing, with a diehard goal to be published, because I want it with every fiber of my being.
September 6, 2009
Lit has chapters one and two in the queue, and a request to remove "Moonlight and Magick". I'll post to SOL when Lit has them posted. SOL has a request to remove "Moonlight and Magick" in the meantime.
I found out that "Beyond Words", one of my novellas, won on Literotica for May 2008 Reader's Choice Award, Third Place. It was a $75 cash prize. Too bad it was posted in January of 2009 and I never received an email from them whatsoever about it. I've written to the person in charge about it to find out if I can still collect and why I wasn't notified.
Still, it was a nice little surprise to hear I won something for my writing. "Beyond Words" is still posted there, but it's going through a major revision right now, when I'm not in the middle of writing "Dead of Night" and editing "Moonlight and Magick".
Also, someone accepted to be my Beta Reader for "Moonlight and Magick", so that's taken care of. Sent off a copy and a list of questions for them to answer and keep in mind when the read it. No editing for them, just reading.
I'm aiming to start the submission process for "Moonlight and Magick" come the first of the year. That should give me enough time to write a query and synopsis, as well as keep up with "Dead of Night".
"Dead" is in its fifth chapter right now, which is good. I think I'm almost at 4,000 words for the chapter. Another day and it'll be done. Maybe less, depending on distractions around the house.
I did some retail therapy today while the laptop was shut down for the thunder and lightning storm we had. Went to the Dollar Store and picked up some baskets to use for organization on my writing table.
September 5, 2009
I probably shouldn't have asked "fans" of mine, but these two have always given great feedback, asked questions, pointed out things they didn't like, and not always the usual, "OMIGOD! I lovelovelove what you wrote!" type of stuff.
I feel like I'm begging for readers. LOL.
Now, i need to come up with a list of questions for them to keep in mind if they do agree to be beta readers.
My writing deals mostly with supernatural, paranormal, and horror/fantasy/non-human. I have one novel that I've just finished revising and editing.
My goal is to see if it can be submitted for publishing.
So, what I need is for them to read it in entirety and answer a few questions for me. No need to edit.
What I need is someone to point out plot holes, where it needs some more explaining, point out weaknesses, etc.
Back to working on WiP2.
September 4, 2009
My topic was "plotting" and how I do it.
I've had it for three years and the moment I brought it home. I HATED Vista on it though. With a passion, I hated Vista and to this day, still do. Won't touch it. It's slow and bulky and I think that computers that come with it ought to have two hard drives installed, one just for vista and one for our stuff.
Anyway, needless to say, Vista was stripped from the laptop and XP Pro was installed. I love my XP Pro. LOVELOVELOVE.
Ok, back to the point. After three years, the inevitable happens. The KB becomes worn and slowly dies.
It used to be that the keys were made with the lettering built in and not "painted" on. It used to be that those keys would break and fall apart before the lettering would come off. Not anymore. Now, the lettering is painted on and when you use a KB for a long period of time, that lettering comes off.
I also type very fast. When I know what I'm typing, I can type up to 100 words per minute if I'm not distracted. So, pounding away on those keys have left divets in them from my nails. Add in the E key having been punctured and wasn't registering every time it was hit, you can imagine the hell it was to try and write.
So, after three years, my laptop has a new keyboard. And it's beautiful. And the angels sang in the heavens and I think I have a mini orgasm every time I type on it because it's so smooth and the keys work and I can see the letters on the keys and it's just perfect.
Oh, joy! Oh, rapture!
Want proof? Click on the picture to open it. You'll see in detail of what I was writing with before the new KB.