The State of Isobael...

If there's nothing more I hate, it's a double whammy of bad luck.

I've been dealing with a sudden case of depression AND writer's block, although I'm not sure if one feeds into the other, or one is caused by the other. Either way, it sucks major suckage and I'm rather tired of the whole thing.

I have stories upon stories all rambling around my brain, none of which really want to lend a hand in getting down into my word processor program. There are days I even wonder WHY I'm a writer when I can't seem to write.

In the meantime, I've been going through some of my old stuff, trying to clean them up, edit crap out now that I've learned a few new things. It's slow going, and watching the word count decrease in leaps and bounds makes it even more depressing for me.

It's a neverending cycle, isn't it?

Anyway...

Hey, for something different, go check out my other blog. My falconry blog. See some pictures of my kestrel. =)  http://isobael-falconry.blogspot.com/

Also, Romance in the Backseat is having a conference.
http://www.romanceinthebackseat.com/bbpcon.html




Bloggers and Publishers have the same goals, to bring in readers.  This Conference is to discuss what is working online to promote books and what we can do better.  How can we work together and with authors to bring readers online?  What are Publishers goals in working with Bloggers? What are Bloggers and Reviewers looking for?  Join us for panels, discussions and giveaways.

Check out the link and read up on what's going on!

Addendum to Social Group Mediums

I mirror this blog on my MySpace, LiveJournal, and FaceBook accounts. I received feedback on LJ and I wanted to post it here to share.

"I suppose that it depends on also knowing which people you meet in the digital world can become real life friends. If the knee jerk reaction is "none of them" then I don't see the point of going for a digital fix since you'll know you'll never meet this person in real life and form a non-digital friendship.

I've made many friends online that I have become real life friends with, I moved to a different state and have a new and more rewarding life because of bridging the gap. I've been to the UK and have had people from there and from Spain and Canada and across the US come visit me and I feel very lucky because of it.

Besides, there have been real life friends that can let you down just as easily as a digital one - if you let them."



My response was:


You know, when I hit send, I cringed. I knew I was leaving something out..

My best friend lives 3,000 some miles away from me. We met online, role playing channel. She's come here with her daughter, and I went down there to her home.

I consider her my best friend, someone I can call to cry on her shoulder and she knows she can do the same with me. I was there when she had a life problem, she's been there when I needed someone to tell me I can do it, or smacked me upside the head to straighten me out. I love her dearly.

So, it's not that I'm saying you can't trust people online or you can't make friends...it's more along the lines of just because they list you as a "friend" you shouldn't expect that you're now a girlfriend, and if they have a gathering of friends and you never received the golden ticket to the event, you shouldn't feel as though they betrayed you, or that you're worthless.

It's harder for people with depression and social anxiety, ESPECIALLY the social anxiety aspect because we're already tiptoeing that fine line of being uneasy with meeting people, having friends. The whole lack of self esteem and self confidence blows chunks, because we already thing we're less than dirt. Having it "shoved in our faces" is gut wrenching.

Again, I'm not blaming anyone. Really, the post originally was to share my recent experiences with a few of the social mediums I belonged to.

Social Group Mediums

I've had to take a step back from a few social sites because I was too dependent on the social aspect of them.

As someone with social anxiety, they became a crutch for me and I have to remind myself I can't depend on Twitter, or any other social website, for my "fix". While, it does in a way help with my social anxiety by not keeping me so isolated, and I do make new "friends", these friendships are not "real".

Meaning, I can't depend on these "friends" to be friends. Yes, they show concern, they make supportive or sympathetic noises at the appropriate moments, but these are not "real" people. These are names and faces through a digital screen. Nothing will, nor should, replace having a friend or friends that are flesh and blood. Nothing should ever replace the tangible.

It was getting to the point where I was feeling ignored. When I posted something and those I counted on to be a friend DIDN'T comment back, it hurt. When it continued, I began to second guess myself. Did I maybe say something wrong? Did I not say something when I should have? Did I zig when I should have zagged? Or maybe it was because I'm not the same social class as they are. Maybe my lack of brain/beauty/money/time...or maybe because I'm married and have a child is what makes them withdraw from me?

When it comes down to losing sleep and worrying, unable to eat...breaking out into tears, because I lost "friends" somewhere, then something's wrong.

It had become a crutch, a distraction, and it had to stop.

Before people get offended and drop me from their lists, I want to make something quite clear. None of this is a personal attack at anyone. Well, except at myself, really.

Just because I list you as a friend and you return the favor, it doesn't mean we're best buds and I have to remember that. You include me in your life through a digital medium. You are not inviting me into your home, you're not inviting me to drop by, swim in your pool, have coffee, or have dinner. I shouldn't feel slighted if there's no invite to that slumber party/girls' night out/chick flick/gossip fest.

We share things in common and we share our experiences through a screen and a keyboard. No where in this common agreement did you say "Call me and we'll do lunch", or "I'll be there for you", or "If you need a kidney"...

It's a hard lesson to learn, and an eye opener. It's terrifying for those of us who suffer from depression and social anxiety. Often times, these go hand in hand with lack of self confidence and self esteem, and this lesson tears at what little we do have, shredding us until we're so vulnerable and sensitive that we have to retreat into ourselves in order to regroup. Often times we don't have the means, or support in which to seek help. We have to build those walls back up, one brick at a time, alone.

On the other hand, I understand people have to protect themselves. I don't blame people who keep themselves back, offering only a digital connection. Hell, I have "friends" who're famous. Successful authors, published, rising stars. I understand they can't be there as a friend, or offer any support or advice in any way. We have to protect ourselves in whatever way we can.

Scary, isn't it, that the internet is suppose to open the world, make the world a smaller place, and yet we have to isolate ourselves, protect ourselves even more.

Social Anxiety Sucks...

You ever get the feeling you did something wrong, or insulted or offended someone, but you can't remember ever doing it, but you know or feel something happened because people you thought were friends are pulling away, barely talk to you, or want anything to do with you anymore?

Yeah, I'm getting that feeling.

I don't know anymore. It's getting to the point where I'm on the edge of closing myself off because I don't understand people anymore. I don't know what people want from me. Maybe I'm not the friend type. Maybe because I don't have the money to go out or travel or do things they can do.

Sad, isn't it?

Social anxiety sucks.