Info-dump...warming up my fingers for writing...

So, I'm working on a new story. This one will be more Urban Fantasy Romance. No Fae, no Shifters.

Vampires, yes. *watching Connie as she jumps up and down with glee*

Except, these vampires aren't undead. *GRIN* Nope, sorry, not going to say anything more. You'll just have to wait and see. Well, except Connie. She gets to read it as she's my peer editor.

Anyway...

It's slower to write than the first one. I think because I'm trying to put more into it than the previous. I'm trying to take what I learned about writing the first one and applying it to this as I write. Oh, I get my grooves and whip out 3000 words in a sitting, and then I have life intruding and I might be able to tear out 300 words instead.

I think that until I actually write something that actually makes money, my family thinks this is a lark and that there's no reason to give me my space to write. I know Spike alternates between supporting me and then asking when I'm going to be published. Like I have any control over it?

There are days I think I'm just failing. That I'll never be published because I'm a crappy writer. I can't edit my own work because I don't see where it needs editing. That's not from arrogance. I really cannot see WHAT and WHERE it needs work. Maybe I am a crappy writer.

Then there are days I'm so high on the creative process it's amazing. I'm whipping out the words, my fingers are flying over the keyboard that my mind can't keep up, and I'm PROUD of what I've just put down, AMAZED those words came from me. I have a shit eating grin on my face and I feel like I'm flying when I walk.

I still grin when I remember I just finished over 77,000 words and people LIKED the story. Yes, I posted it on LIT and SOL. I figured that I'll probably never submit that story to anyone. It's my first, it's...naive, it's cliche. It screams "BEGINNER WRITER". So, Moonlight and Magick was posted for "fans". Heh. I have fans.

One of the things I'm constantly reminded of is that I suffer from Depression. I know that it first appeared when I was in junior high and I've had it ever since. Much of it was because of my peers in school. I was not rich, pretty, or smart. I was picked on, harassed, and bullied. I know that I seriously considered ending it all and kill myself. Writing became my solace. Poetry at first.

I also know that it was in my mid to late 20's that I developed a mild form of Social Anxiety. There are days in which I do not leave my house because I know that when I'm in public, I am looked at, judged, and found wanting. I do not look at anyone in the eyes, and if someone talks to me, I can't answer. It took years for me to be able to overcome a lot of it by starting up a hobby I wanted to do, belly dancing. From there, I was even able to perform in public a few times.

Even now, when invited to gatherings, I go into manic bouts of panicking. What if they don't like me? What if what I'm wearing is horrible? What if I say something too stupid? What if they never invite me back? What if...what if...what if...? When I do go, I'm not sure what to say, how to reply, or even how to join in. After all, who am I really? Nobody.

Writing is an extension of role playing. When I write, I can be my characters. I live vicariously through my characters. I can be beautiful. I can have romance and be wanted. I can live dangerously. I can travel, or have a dream job, or whatever I want my character to have or live through. Everything that I do not have or cannot have, or will never have.

I'm also a bit Obsessive Compulsive. I believe in balance. I believe in checking my word counts obsessively after I come down from a writing groove. I LIKE to see what my word count is. I like the visual affirmation that what I just did was worth it, meaningful. I have no self esteem, so self confidence (part of the Depression), so seeing the word count add up as I write, it MEANS something to me. It gives me a sense of self worth.

Should it? Probably not. Does it hinder my writing? Maybe. Should I be worried about word counts? No. A respected author-friend has clubbed me over the head to death about not worrying about the word counts, to just write.

I do write! Every day. Punctuated with brief moments of checking Twitter, my email, making sure my daughter is not in any trouble, has eaten, the dog's been taken outside to potty, checking my word count so I can smile and pat myself on the back for adding more words to the work in progress, and then I'm back to writing.

I'm a multi-tasker. It's a habit that I acquired out of necessity and even now, I cannot break it. I cannot sit down and concentrate on one thing. I grow very bored with it. 30 minutes is probably as long as I can go without a necessary break, mental or physical. I have browser windows open, application windows open, and I go back and forth between them. It's amazing that I can even work on just ONE story at a time. Before, I had three going in various stages of completion. I feel that I've come along way since those days and maybe, eventually, I can close those browser windows to just write.

Does it make me a bad writer? Probably. All the good authors are dedicated and disciplined, and THEY are published but it works for ME.

Unable to find a local Critique group, I joined one online. I had one chapter of Moonlight and Magick critiqued. 210 words less, chapter one is now much improved. I still sit back and wonder why *I* didn't see it. I'm definitely glad I joined. Hopefully I can learn how to improve through their critiques.

I guess if I never find a mentor, a critique group is close.

In the meantime, I continue to write in the hopes that I can improve my writing so that a mentor will decide I'm worth the effort of mentoring.