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June 26, 2009

Bleh...

I have a major case of "Suckitis" right now with my writing.

It's where a writer believes their works sucks major suckage and is very tempted to hit the delete button.

I know why I have it too. It stems from:

1. I am not a "novel" writer. I write short stories and novellas, which means I have less time/space for a story to be finished. It's more action paced in something shorter than a novel. In a novel I have "down time" which has to be filled and to me, it seems to drag on FOREVER to try and write.

2. Needing a critique group or a critique partner in which to share, bounce ideas from, get kicked in the head from. This is being rectified as I am going to talk to the Puyallup Library about setting up a writer's group. I meet with the librarian tomorrow.

3. I read a lot of other author's blogs, as well as agent blogs. I am becoming discouraged by what they have to say/share. THEY are successful. What makes me believe I can ever become published with the tripe I write when they have these awesome books published?

4. My internal editor will not shut the hell up. I am borderline obsessive compulsive which tends to make me a perfectionist when it comes to myself and what I do. This is pretty much from growing up not really being accepted amongst my peers. So, I try to do something, be something so that people will want me around, want to be around me. Carrying that over, I'm harder on myself and what I do because I NEED it to be perfect. Typo? I need to fix it. Something doesn't work in a chapter, I NEED to fix it.

An author friend of mine continually (has threatened to have it tattooed on my forehead!) reminded me to JUST WRITE. Don't worry about corrections, don't worry about editing. Just get it finished, then go back. Trust me, it's very difficult for me.

5. My depression and my lack of self confidence, self esteem, makes it very difficult for me to believe my work is any good.

So, add all those up and you get one hell of a messed up mind.

That being all said and done, I will add this.

I WILL finish this story. I'm DETERMINED to finish this story. Even if it sucks major suckage. Even if people read it, look at me oddly, then proceed to hide anything that could possibly be used to write anything else ever again. Even if the men in white coats come and pick me up to take me for a ride.

Still, it's so...sucky...

UGH.

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