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May 27, 2009

You can almost see how my thought processes work. Scary, isn't it?

Let's start with this:

He noted her shiver with a masculine amusement.


Would be better written as:

He felt a sense of amusement when he saw her shiver.

Or:

He felt a sense of amusement when he saw her shiver caused by his fingers caressing the smooth skin along the curve of her jaw.


Although that does seem a bit wordy and redundant because in the previous sentence it does state that he traced his fingers along her skin. It doesn't say exactly where though (ie jaw, cheek) however, and the third example does give more detail, more explanation as to where on her face he's caressing.

It just doesn't feel as though the...cadence...or rhythm of the third sentence flows very well.

So, I went with...

His fingers caressed the smooth skin along the curve of her jaw and she shivered. It amused him.

There's that IT word!!! Lazy word...

It became this...

His fingers caressed the smooth skin along the curve of her jaw causing her to shiver and he found himself smiling in amusement.

OOOO....I like that one. Maybe break it up though...it does seem wordy/run on.

His fingers caressed the smooth skin along the curve of her jaw causing her to shiver. He found himself smiling in amusement.

Do you smile in amusement or with amusement? LOL. I think 'with'.

His fingers caressed the smooth skin along the curve of her jaw causing her to shiver. He found himself smiling with amusement.

Except now I have a moment where I second guess myself. Cause and effect/past and present tense...

His fingers CARESSED.../...CAUSING her...

Is that proper grammar? I've been told so many times that I tend to mix past and present tenses up that now I'm almost (actually, I AM) paranoid about it.

Should it be:

His fingers caressed the smooth skin along the curve of her jaw and it caused her to shiver. He found himself smiling with amusement.

And IT again!! LOL.

Maybe:

His fingers caressed the smooth skin along the curve of her jaw and she shivered. He found himself smiling with amusement.

Or better yet...

She shivered as his fingers caressed the smooth skin along the curve of her jaw and he found himself smiling with amusement.

Or...

She shivered as his fingers caressed the smooth skin along the curve of her jaw. He found himself smiling with amusement.


Or is it already obvious that when he smiles it's from amusement so adding that would be redundant?

She shivered as his fingers caressed the smooth skin along the curve of her jaw. He found himself smiling.

She shivered as his fingers caressed the smooth skin along the curve of her jaw and he found himself smiling.

I ended up with this...

She shivered as his fingers caressed the smooth skin along the curve of her jaw and he smiled.

Although I'm not entirely happy with it as it doesn't explain WHAT he was smiling about/from. I guess it could be explained after. I don't have to include it all in the same sentence.



LOL.

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